Letting Go
If someone had told me that one of the hardest things about being a mom is the letting go when your child is an adult, I would not have believed them.
I now know that it is in fact one of the hardest things that I have had to come to terms with.
I watch the kids as the days go by and the thought that occupies my mind is that one day they will leave home to begin the next phase in their lives — in search of careers, companionship with others, a new place to set down roots. I am torn. I am fearful. I am excited. I want to let go and yet I can’t. I struggle.
My son left home before his 19th birthday headed for Southeast Asia indefinitely.
He was in Chiang Mai, Thailand for a month and during his time there met some very interesting people. He made a friend from the UK who had been living and working in Thailand for a while. He enjoyed being there and it was safe. After a month long stay in Chiang Mai he took an overnight train and then a bus to Kuala Lumpur, excited to be able to see and experience a new city in a country he hadn’t visited before. The first day he was there he was mugged by three men. They took his phone and wallet and left him in the street shocked and scared. This happened on a main street not in an alley. There were people around who witnessed my son being mugged. No one helped him.
I am sorry that this happened. It still affects me weeks later and even after his return to Chiang Mai. It physically hurts when I think about what happened to him. I struggle to let go. Especially after the incident in Kuala Lumpur. I send him a brief message in the morning to say hello and every night before I go to bed I send him a message to be safe. I tell him that I miss him. Love him.
I am grateful that he was not hurt physically. I am grateful that he made it back to his hostel and contacted us. I am grateful for the technology today that allowed him to contact us. That allowed us to immediately send him money. I can be grateful that because of what happened, my kid was able to learn a few things. And as he said: it is now a part of his story.
In a few weeks he leaves Chiang Mai to go south to Vietnam. Will he be safe? My every hope is that the answer to that question is yes. He is smart. He is capable. He will be fine. This should be my letting go mantra.
I want the best for my kids. I’d like to be able to trust that they will be ok in life. That they will find love and happiness in spite of the difficulties. I know that I can not control what happens nor do I want to. I would like for them to choose their path in life. To make mistakes. To rise above their fears and failures. To have successes. Adventures.
I must start moving forward. Though it is difficult. I must allow them to live the lives they choose. Will it get easier? The letting go?